The Art of Negotiation
Laila and I bought a home. A year passed before our grandchildren discovered the fascination of a tree house in the backyard. They held a big discussion about remodeling the tree house -- girls upstairs, boys downstairs, and clubs. Paint it purple pink; add carpet -- impressive list of needs for remodeling.
”Dad,” they said, “We will need four sheets of plywood. Does a sheet of plywood cost $5?”
Our son is a builder, and he answered, “Oh, I think you’d better think about $30 per sheet.”
”Wow,” they exclaimed. “That is a lot of money.” Without any drop in enthusiasm they said, “OK. We’ll have to just use one sheet of plywood…” and the planning continued.
I shared with Laila that maybe we should put them on the church building committee. Beyond the humor of the moment, I thought about the spirit of their negotiation. They were agreed on the project, details would just have to work out.
Ours is a time when folks, short on patience, short on faith, and short on prayer, are quick-on-the-draw, not realizing that in the Wild West trigger-happy people tended to die young. Negotiating is an art that must be developed based upon critical principles.
Forgiveness, spirit of reconciliation, humility, respect, listening, objectivity, long-term expectations and relationship are only a few of the components of negotiation.
A person called last week and said, “I am getting ready to go into a meeting with one of my leaders. What do I say?”
I only had minutes to share ideas such as: “Set your heart that when you go in there will be no discussion of who’s right or who’s wrong. Be determined that when you leave you will feel better about the other person than when you went in. Do not try to win. Try to gain understanding to accomplish a common objective. View the meeting as a process, not a line of demarcation.”
The meeting went well by later reports. What a good thing to realize that it is better to have friends than to be right, self-righteous, and all alone—lonely.
Here are a few ideas about how to act in relationships, especially when there is a difference of opinion:
- We are friends, and we agree.
- We are friends, and we disagree.
- We are friends, we disagree, and you are wrong.
- Our friendship is in question, because you are so wrong.
- Friendship is over, because you are so stupidly wrong.
I did not think of the above 5 points. Wise persons who have studied negotiations and friendships discerned these truths.
In addition, studies reveal that the number at which a discussion begins will largely determine how the discussion will end. Beginning at #1 is almost sure to end in friendship. Beginning at #3 is highly risky. Beginning at #5 is almost certain to end in explosion, hard feelings, and a permanently bruised or broken relationship.
Beginning at #1 leaves very little probability of the conversation/negotiation/relationship will become more negative. Conversely, beginning at #5 leaves very little probability of improvement, i.e., it is almost impossible to begin at #5 and end up at #1.
I write this Pastor’s Heart with purpose and carefulness. Marriages, parents and children, students and teachers, employees and employers, parishioners and church leaders, etc., do well to think about the process of negotiation. Again, it is better to forgive, be wrong, and “swallow” pride, than to lose the precious treasure of relationship, e.g., marriage, home, job, etc.
May the Lord be our Teacher in the Art of Negotiation. He is the Master. See how many friends He has. Think how He handled Peter’s denial. Think how He treated Thomas’ doubt. Think how He treated the thief on the cross. Think how He has treated you!
Value Friendship!
Prayerfully,
Pastor Bare
Philippians 4:8